Why can’t I feel loved for who I am?
Why do I associate my self-WORTH so much with what I do, with my title or my bank balance, or with the appreciation from others for my achievements? 💔
(Spoiler alert: Our sense of achievement is often fake because we we don't really do what we truthfully and authentically want to do because we follow deep programming and expectations of others. That's why it's never enough, no matter how much money or status we acquire. And I can tell you that from my own experience and from years of experience from working with C-Suite and Multi-Millionaires who were rich on the outside, but poor on the inside despite their bank balance or fancy titles ...).
To find the answer, we need to take a trip back to childhood.
Most parents only mirror a child when they are doing something and thus only associate a child with what they DO, we only associate ourselves with what we DO.
Our entire identity becomes about what we DO.
That becomes our sense of who we are.
As a result, it isn’t even that we believe we are what we do. It is that we don’t feel like we exist separate from what we do.
Essentially, with most parents, the child has to develop attributes that the parent will positively mirror in order to get any love.
So their identity is a perfect reflection of what they had to do to be loved and approved of.
The child must develop attributes that feed the needs and wants of the parent to get love from that parent.
This is the opposite of unconditional love. This is the opposite of being loved for who they are.
If you start to recognize your true self and it doesn't align with your parents' or society's expectations for you, they may essentially reject you. In essence, they've sent the message that you can only be lovable if you do what they think is best.
As a result you cannot feel loved by them.
As children we learn who we are by virtue of what other people associate with us.
Other people become the mirror through which we see ourselves. 🪞
So, if someone in your childhood begins to associate you with artistic ability then you begin to perceive yourself as an artist. You identify with being an artist and that becomes part of your Ego.
However, if someone in your childhood associates you with darkness or badness then you begin to perceive yourself in that way. You identify with being dark or bad and this becomes part of your own Ego.
In childhood, you’ve been taught that it is not okay to think how you think and feel how you feel, and that you should not have the “flaws” that you have.
Basically, you have been taught that it is not okay to be how you are.
So, it is understandable that you are resisting the idea of accepting yourself exactly as you are and to even envision the idea of being loved the way you are.
You must stop trying to be who you wish you were, or who you think others want you to be, long enough to find out who you really are and allow your true self to exist in the world.
Specifically knowing your needs and how to make sure they are met.
Letting yourself have what you want and need does not turn you into a selfish, entitled, or otherwise bad person.
Letting yourself have what you need is food for the soul.💗
So my challenge to you this week is to discover your needs, admit to them and then meet those needs directly.
The best way I know to do that is through rekindling self-love.
(Inspired by Teal Swan)
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