It's a common pattern for us to try and change another person, mainly our partner. The driver behind that is a toxic and unhealed trade-off process based on our own subconscious drama and trauma:
"I need you to change what you do and don't do so that I feel more comfortable, valued, appreciated and safe around you."
That's a threefold dilemma from an interpersonal, psychological and spiritual perspective:
It's a trauma response.
It's a violation of a spiritual law.
It's a toxic symbiosis that's based on a false reality and perception of partnership.
When we enter this time-space reality called planet earth, we're all on our own unique soul journey and learning mission. The universe as a super computer craves evolution and expanding awareness and intelligence. It ultimately learns through you, and you learn based on what's going on in the universe. As above, so below. It's all connected, you see.
You never know what learning path the other human being is on and what contract they've signed before they came here. I've read the astrological charts of so many people to help them figure out what they're here to integrate and learn, that's how I know that there is no such thing as "the same path". We're all unique, it's not only philosophical, it's even mathematical. And once you understand astrology as reading the mathematics of the universe and a tool to make the unconscious consciou you will begin to innerstand that. We're all here to experience different things and to integrate different lessons which we then feed back to the universal super computer of collective intelligence and expansion. The universe created you in the first place from a place of love because it has the highest hopes and aspirations for you to become a valuable resource to feed back into collective intelligence and to accelerate evolution. That's why you have that divine spark in you, and that's why all the elements that are reflected in the universe are reflected in you - it's to enable the communication process between what's going on inside of you, and what's going on around you in the wider universe. Have you ever noticed that everything is a sender/receiver and made up from the same stuff (water, earth, air, fire)? But that's for a different blog post.
Back to relationships for now: To the extend that we have that right to learn and expand for ourselves and to fulfill our own mission of greater awareness and evolution, we need to let the other person be on their own path of learning and discovery and evolution, too. You can not be aware of another person's path because - hands to heart - how much are you aware yet of your own path and reason for being here? And if you are - how fearlessly are you currently living and how authentically are you currently expressing it?
So why do we try to change another person? We do it in attempt to make ourselves more comfortable. How often do we project our own needs for safety and comfort to another person? How often do we try to feel better if the other person makes us feel better by making us feel seen and valued and appreciated? How often do we communicate "I need you to do that or stop doing that" in an attempt to make another person meet our own needs when they don't necessarily share our needs and values at all?
By doing that, we violate serious boundaries. We get another person off their path. There is such a thing as "free will" and "soul expression" in the universe. It's a law of integrity.
So instead of trying to force another person to meet your needs and values, ask yourself why you're doing it. Ask yourself why you spend so much time and energy on changing another person instead of changing yourself or your partner. l
Everything that is not based on acceptance is a violation of boundaries and it mirrors to you where you're still not at peace, and where you're not yet able to fully take care of yourself and meet your own needs. You're still acting from a place of lack - and you're attracting exactly the right person and partner based on your level of lack. We attract what we ARE, not what we want. Please be aware of that.
The ego wants the other person to change. The ego wants to hold on to a person that doesn't really meet you on an eye-level or heart-level. The healed self and higher self will never do that. The healed and higher self will either accept that the other person is where he or she is at and focus on meeting their needs from within instead of trying to have their needs met from changing the behavior of the person mirroring them. Or the healed and higher self will come to the conclusion and inner knowing that this co-creative journey has come to an end and it's either time to be alone for a while to learn how to cater to their own needs - or to attract the next level mirror and person.
In the end, relationships are the ultimate mirror. They give us so much joy or so much pain because we share and innerstand our most intimate needs through the mirroring in relationships. We make ourselves vulnerable and relive childhood dynamics that touch our deepest and most secret wounds. That's why we have relationships: To show us and to make conscious what we're not yet conscious of.
That's why relationships can be so fulfilling if an equal amount of vulnerability, values and visions can be shared in the most intimate space. And that's why they can hurt us so much once we realize we've betted on the wrong horse because our values and visions are not being shared.
Vulnerability can hurt. So can intimacy. But avoiding that space of trial and error, of experience and mirroring for growth will keep us small and it will make us stick to subconscious programming that we could never elevate into the light. What we become conscious of we can look at, we can touch it with love. Once we become aware of our subonscious patterns and needs, we can accept and maybe transform them. We get so much clarity of what serves us and what doesn't. We become so aware of what we cannot yet give to ourselves and where we use and abuse another person to feel whole, safe and complete. We become aware of our deepest fears. Our deepest sense of lack, our level of self-worth and our level of financial and emotional independence comes out in a relationship.
So I really want to encourage you to not waste your energy on trying to change another person. Instead, use your energy to innerstand what the other person is supposed to give you that you cannot yet give yourself. Innerstand what your true needs are and how you can meet them. Innerstand if it's time to accept and surrender - or if it's time to leave and open up a next chapter that will reflect your growth.
It's time to measure the quality of our relationships by the amount of self-reflection, innerstanding, growth and healing that they bring to our lives and evolution. That should be the measurement for a successful and fulfilling relationship, which always starts from the relationship that you have with yourself. It's about time to let go of the concept that the quality of relationships should be simply measured in longevity.
Yes, relationships are here for teaching us how to bond. But they're mainly here to teach us how in what areas of our lives we can still liberate ourselves more. The more liberated, healed and safe we are, the more liberated, healed and safe partners we will attract. Their level of liberation and lack of neediness will no longer scare us then, because we've liberated ourselves and we let go of neediness.
The more we open our minds and hearts to the fact that each person is a gift on our path that mirrors us so deeply, the more we can accept, innerstand, and transform ourselves. The more we do that, the more we begin to fearlessly and lovingly express what relationships are all about: Clarity, acceptance, self-understanding, becoming more conscious, liberation, healing, growth and co-creation.
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